After seeing Jamie for the first time in four years (that's, like, ten minutes in robot time, but whatever), I thought that I would have lots of exciting new things to write on this blog. Imagine my surprise to find that Jamie is exactly the same....i.e. boring.

Sigh. I guess I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up.

26. The World's Smallest Robot

I rely on The Japan Times for approximately 99% of my robot-related news (not to mention 85% of my regular news), and it never disappoints. Today's paper links to this fascinating website about "impressive robots," such as the newly crowned (and Guinness-certified) "World's Smallest Robot."

Yes, loyal readers, Jamie Bourdon is no longer the world's smallest robot. He is, as of this posting, still the reigning title-holder for "World's Meanest Robot," "World's Most Foul Humanoid Figure," and "The Dumbest Person Jenni Knows."

But let's not fixate on loss (no one likes a loser!). Here are some photos of smaller-than-Jamie-bot doing what he was made to do:






Yeah, your guess is as good as mine.

Here's a photo of Yuki from Kei Hotoda (I've left it lying horizontally, as submitted, to preserve authorial intent).

This submission comes from pretty reader, Marti Palermo:


The caption reads: Crazed Asian tourist takes multiple digital photos of expensive toy dogs near historic Tokyo shrine.

The photo, taken during October of 2005, reminds the editor of this blog that she is in desperate need of a haircut (see recent purikura photos of Kei to further drive home the point).

Over the last few years, dog science has progressed rapidly-- faster, almost, than the speed of human imagination. May I present to you:

Bird dog!

Dog gundam! (I love that they made two different outlines for the tail, you know, for mechanical wagging and whatnot.)


DOG SALARYMAN! I'm glad that this dual-species-hybrid has assimilated into modern society and is earning an honest wage for himself.


And then, of course, there's Snuppy. Who isn't that cute and doesn't get a photo shout-out here.

For the month of February, the "I Hate Jamie Bourdon" blog will be used as a "Cute Dogs on the Internet" site.

Cute!


Double cute!


Zippy!

Dear Jamie,

It seems like it's over.

I don't know quite what to say. We've been through a lot together, you and I. There was, for example, the time Corinne dumped a glass of water on your bed and then told everyone you had bladder problems. Or the time XXXX XXXXXXX told me that you never washed your hands after going to the bathroom. Later still, the day you called me just to say, "Jenni, you are the most important thing that's ever happened to me." To which I promptly responded, "Jamie, I hate your guts."

Jamie, everyone at school thinks I'm a total bitch. Tonight, they called me the "Asian Daria." Jamie, do you know how much that hurts me? First of all, I would NEVER wear combat boots. And secondly, I am actually a REALLY NICE person.

Anyway, I could continue writing this letter as if I actually cared about you, but it's really starting to get boring. Truth be told, you've ceased to be relevant.

That's all.

Cheers,
Jenni

25. Something Jamie and I Have in Common

We're both really, really into fantasy art. This kind:



But mostly this kind:




DRAGON FIGHT!

24. In Which I Answer, Once and For All, Why Jamie Bourdon is Not My Boyfriend

But first, two pictures of horses:





Countless examples of the interrelatedness of love and hate abound in classic literature, so it's understandable that one might think that my dislike of Jamie Bourdon is a corruption of what were once pure and tender feelings. Let me assure the reader that such is not the case. While I have dated several of his friends, I have never, ever been romantically inclined towards Jamie Bourdon for the following reasons:

1. Jamie has bad table manners, and often eats (or pretends to eat, as robots don't actually need to consume anything) with one spoon in each hand. I don't think he knows how to use a fork. Moreover, he often regurgitates food into its original container, such as the time he poured an entire box of cornflakes into his mouth and then spit them back into the box.

2. Jamie is in love with Jennifer Lopez (see previous entries).

3. Jamie doesn't like F. Scott Fitzgerald, and instead prefers to read math books and philosophical treatises on Dungeons and Dragons. In college, I simply refused to date anyone who did not like F. Scott Fitzgerald.

4. Jamie hates puppies and kitties.

In compiling this list, I've tried to stay away from obvious attacks and low blows (all of which the reader may assume apply).

Anyway, to end on a positive note, aren't horses neat?

23. The Best Birthday Present Ever

This anecdote is dated January 9, 2007.

People often ask me why I hate Jamie Bourdon. The answer seems so obvious to me that it often takes me a while to articulate an answer, ("He just sucks," while being as close an approximation to absolute truth as any statement ever uttered, just doesn't cut it with these Columbia intellectuals). Usually, I explain that, no, Jamie and I did not use to date (gag!), but rather, share, rather territorially, a best friend by the name of Matt. Though Matt is studying to become a lawyer, he never seems to pay attention in class. Sometimes, this concerns me, as I'm counting on him to get rich and give me handouts in the future. Today, however, Matt's inability to pry himself away from internet amuseuments during classtime has provided me with a gift more valuable than money.

If these jokes don't explain why I hate and fear Jamie Bourdon-bot, well, then, I'm sorry, but you're dumb and there's nothing I can do about that.

Thank you, Matt. You're going to make a swell lawyer someday. If Jamie doesn't kill you first.