23. The Best Birthday Present Ever

This anecdote is dated January 9, 2007.

People often ask me why I hate Jamie Bourdon. The answer seems so obvious to me that it often takes me a while to articulate an answer, ("He just sucks," while being as close an approximation to absolute truth as any statement ever uttered, just doesn't cut it with these Columbia intellectuals). Usually, I explain that, no, Jamie and I did not use to date (gag!), but rather, share, rather territorially, a best friend by the name of Matt. Though Matt is studying to become a lawyer, he never seems to pay attention in class. Sometimes, this concerns me, as I'm counting on him to get rich and give me handouts in the future. Today, however, Matt's inability to pry himself away from internet amuseuments during classtime has provided me with a gift more valuable than money.

If these jokes don't explain why I hate and fear Jamie Bourdon-bot, well, then, I'm sorry, but you're dumb and there's nothing I can do about that.

Thank you, Matt. You're going to make a swell lawyer someday. If Jamie doesn't kill you first.