6. The Battery and the Law

This anecdote is dated February 5, 2000.

It was around 2 a.m. and the pub had just closed. I was walking back to James Hall with my best friend, Matt Becker, when we saw a mysterious glow coming from the alley that runs behind High Street. Further investigation revealed that it was originating from an abandoned parking garage. Throwing back the corrugated steel door, we were blinded momentarily by a flood of white light. Matt, with his inherently religious reflexes, immediately assumed we'd died and were in the presence of his Lord and savior, Jesus Christ. Boy was he wrong. It was just Jamie Bourdon charging his battery.

Oh, have I not mentioned that Jamie is a robot and, as follows, needs a great deal of battery charging (he's not an eco-friendly solar model, unfortunately, as he was assembled back in the '80's) and software upgrades? Sometimes, he'll start short-circuiting, especially if they show J-Lo shaking her ass on MTV.

Once, Jamie lost his charger. After his battery had run down, we propped him up in the corner and stacked crushed beer cans on his head. He didn't move or say anything for two weeks. That was the best time in my life.

Unfortunately, our ethical friend Matt Schiltz (he's going to be a lawyer, folks, so you know he was born to walk the moral high-road) said that it wouldn't be right to leave Jamie like that forever. I'm pretty sure that Matt hates Jamie as much as I do. He's just a really good person.

(Sidenote to Jamie Bourdon: Would you quit making your libelous claims that this blog is just a front behind which to hide my "secret affections" for you? Whole world (including Kei) knows I hate you, boy. I am a JOURNALIST and it is my mission to spread the truth. I'm also studying all about 1st Amendment Law, so don't think I'm not aware of my rights. Too bad you're just a robot, and therefore not protected by the Constitution.)