10. A Bit of History

Recently, a lot of people have been asking me, "Who is Jamie Bourdon?" It's a valid question deserving of an answer. So, for the last few days, I've been working non-stop on this in-depth and well-rounded profile of Jamie Bourdon.

Profile of Jamie Bourdon, by Jenni Wu.

There is only one way to describe Jamie Bourdon, which is: an uncivilized, disgusting, amoral, repulsive, dishonest, immature, ridiculous, freakish, unsanitary, black-hearted, free-loading robot. He was created as a social experiment back in the 1980's, when six coked-out graduate students at New York University set out to electronically embody evil.

"Irony hadn't yet reached epidemic proportions back then," said social scientist Corinne Weible, "And since Jamie-bot v. 1.0 destroyed all of his creators, we'll never know if he was intended as a joke."

"Joke or not, I fucking hate that jerk," said Jenni Wu, who is currently earning her Masters of Science degree at Columbia University. "As a scientist, I cannot understand why he is allowed to exist."

For many years, Jamie-bot v. 1.0 hid himself in an empty warehouse in rural Virginia. He amused himself by zapping rodents with his laser eyes and teaching himself to sing out of key. The invention of the internet in 1999 drew him out of his seclusion, and he ventured into society after seeing photos of Jennifer Lopez on MTV.com. Ms. Lopez could not be reached for comment.

"I'm really disturbed by Jamie's infatution with J-Lo," said cultural scholar Kei Hotoda. "It's known that robots can't feel love, so logically one can conclude that his intentions are impure and probably bad."

Stopping mid-country for a quick chip replacement, Jamie was lured into the gated community of Grinnell, Iowa, where he learned to drink alcohol, play online poker, and say nasty things to nice people. Though his micro-processor should have allowed him to master an infinite number of subjects effortlessly, Jamie-bot v. 2.0 spent most of his time reading Dungeons and Dragons manuals and being condescending. "I'm the nicest person in the world, which pretty much explains why I'm friends with Jamie," said room mate Matt Schiltz. "Nobody else likes him."

"Because he sucks," added Ms. Wu. She paused before saying, "And I heard he sniffs glue."

In 2003, Jamie graduated with a degree in Philosophy and spent the summer boring his friends with his thesis linking Nietzsche to Bright Eyes. "No one even liked Bright Eyes at that point," said KDIC 88.5 FM Station Manager, Spencer Volkmer-Jones. "It just shows how inhuman and out of touch with humans Jamie Bourdon was."

In 2006, Jamie moved to Chicago, where he currently drinks ketchup straight out of the bottle and composes spam email messages. Sometimes, he drinks whiskey. "Why am I alive?" he wrote in a recent journal entry, which drips with faux pathos and cloying pleas for sympathy. "011101011 10101010101111 101011101000 1010101010001 1010101011110 0001011001011 101010 1101011110101 101010101011 01011 0101 110101 0101010101 001011000010111 11110001111000."

"00000111 11101010101 000101011 01011010000 01010 000010101 10110011111 0101 10001010011 0100001010111 0101010101110000 101010101 010101010100 00000010 01010010111 1101011 11010 101 01010101 010010101010111111001111011 010111. Evrybdy h8s me and I don' gt itt."

A single blue tear ran down his plastic cheek. "I just don't get it."

The End

As a public service, this blog will continue to chronicle the misdeeds of Jamie Bourdon.